The Family Team: How to communicate with your preteen
Let’s face it — preteens can be awkward sometimes. Think back to those days when you were that age. How would you describe yourself as awkward?
If I could describe my awkwardness as a preteen in one word, it would be — hair. I remember my first day in seventh grade well. It was my first day at a new school, a Christian school in town where I didn’t know anyone. Of course, I wanted to make a good impression. So I decided to make good use of hair gel.
I used so much gel in those days, I could have made the quills of a porcupine behave! I decided the best look for me was to slick all of my hair straight back, and use enough gel so that it became as hard as a turtle shell.
Back to that first day — when I went into homeroom that morning, I sat in front of a guy that would eventually become a life-long best friend. His name is Brian. Our initial topic of conversation: our mutual love of hair gel!
Regardless of your pubertal adolescence, one thing is certain: preteens are hard to read. I don’t think Jesus was any different. Let’s face it, that awkwardness is bound to happen for everyone. Just because Jesus was the Son of God, I don’t think He was immune to it. His voice probably cracked with the best of them. He suffered growth spurts that gave him cramps and made him run funny. He probably even ate three-times more unleavened bread than the average adult.
There’s only one account in the Bible about this season of Christ’s life, and it’s recorded by a doctor. Luke, the author of the New Testament book by the same name, writes:
Every year Jesus’ parents went to Jerusalem for the Passover festival. When Jesus was twelve years old, they attended the festival as usual. After the celebration was over, they started home to Nazareth, but Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem. His parents didn’t miss him at first, because they assumed he was among the other travelers. But when he didn’t show up that evening, they started looking for him among their relatives and friends.
When they couldn’t find him, they went back to Jerusalem to search for him there. Three days later they finally discovered him in the Temple, sitting among the religious teachers, listening to them and asking questions. All who heard him were amazed at his understanding and his answers.
His parents didn’t know what to think. “Son,” his mother said to him, “why have you done this to us? Your father and I have been frantic, searching for you everywhere.”
“But why did you need to search?” he asked. “Didn’t you know that I must be in my Father’s house?” But they didn’t understand what he meant.
Then he returned to Nazareth with them and was obedient to them. And his mother stored all these things in her heart. Jesus grew in wisdom and in stature and in favor with God and all the people.
In typical Jewish tradition, Jesus’ family traveled to Jerusalem to celebrate the Passover, also known as the Feast of Unleavened Bread. This is an annual holiday meant to remind them of when God rescued them from slavery in Egypt a few thousand years before Jesus was born.
It was also typical for young Jewish boys to spend time in the temple conversing with the religious leaders and asking curious questions before their bar-mitzvah at the age of 13.
When the caravan left Jerusalem the day after Passover, Joseph and Mary assumed Jesus with the crowd, maybe playing with the other children as typical children do. It wasn’t until later that day that they realized he wasn’t around. They quickly went back to Jerusalem, and after searching all over the city, they finally found him in the temple.
It seems Mary had a typical parental outburst. I can imagine her eyeballs nearly popping out of their sockets, face red, and arms flailing as she says, “Son, why have you done this to us? Your father and I have been frantic, searching for you everywhere!” If you are a parent, maybe you can relate. How could he be so inconsiderate?
Jesus’ response could also be read as typical. In fact, in written word it seems downright rude. “But why did you need to search? Didn’t you know that I must be in my Father’s house?” It’s never a good idea to respond to a question with a question — especially after your parents have been looking high and low for you all over the greater Jerusalem area.
What if Jesus’ reply was not as abrasive as we think? What if he really was this curious guy who knew where he belonged and knew he wanted to know more about his Father. What if the question he asked his parents wasn’t to point out their “foolishness”, but rather, just another typical, curious question from a child to his parents?
We know Jesus was fully man, and yet fully God. we know that in order for him to die for our sins, he had to be sinless. Responding sarcastically to his parents would certainly be considered sinful, breaking the fifth commandment, “Honor your father and mother.” It’s safe to say that Jesus was indeed not-so-typical.
This important story from Jesus’ early life points us to a great lesson in communication. Indeed, you could probably pull out several lessons here. But I think one of the largest is a lesson in assumptions.
Joseph and Mary made a typical, but big assumption that Jesus was among the other kids in the crowd. Rather than assuming Jesus knew they were leaving, his parents should have been communicating with him more. They should have double and triple-checked to make sure he was around.
It’s an easy mistake. How many people have packed their groceries and driven halfway home, only to realize they left their child at the store? Have you only been assuming your teenager is keeping a pure communication on her phone? Are you guilty of assuming your toddler can be trusted with a full bottle of glue without being in plain sight?
We all make mistakes. We all make assumptions. It’s typical. But to make your life a little bit easier, try to communicate even when you think it’s obvious. you don’t want to do it in a way that belittles your family member. However, it’s important to make sure your voice-cracking student understands the difference between deodorant, antiperspirant, and spray paint.
Secondly, when you have made the wrong assumption, don’t take it out on your child. Maybe she has a good explanation for missing the bus home.
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